Joke Of the Week -2008

dturner
2008 January 11 11:10:34 
A woman announces to herfriend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!

Whatabout your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

----------------------------------------

Two Things In The Air

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

Her feet!
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6 Comments

clubby

2008 January 19 07:02:54

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.

nigeltufnel

2008 January 18 22:37:20

Young Paddy inherits the family business, and decides to mke a go of it. His first move is to try and expand to business into England. This will involve a lot of travel back and forth to Ireland, so he decides to obtain his pilot's licence.

Although he is very nervous, his first few lessons go rather well. His instructor duly announces that he can take independent control of the plane on his next flight.

The big day arrives. They are cruising along steadily when the instructor sits back, looks at Paddy and says "Alroight yoong Paddy, she's all yours."

At that momnt, the plane strikes some turbulence and begins diving and spinning all over the place. The instructor clutches at his chest, groans loudly and slumps unconscious in his seat.

"Fook!" screams Paddy, panic stricken, wrestling with the controls in a desperate attempt to level out the stricken craft. Eventually, some order is restored, and Paddy grabs the radio and begins screaming for help.

"Dooblin tower! Dooblin tower! Are ye there!"

"Dooblin tower here, Romeo Echo Foxtrot; what is your situation/"

"Oim over the Irish Sea; me instructor's keeled over, an' oi don't think I can bring her in meself!"

"Dont worry, Romeo Echo Foxtrot, we have you on our radar. Just follow our instructions and we'll bring you in."

"Oi dunno if oi can do it, Dooblin tower."

"Why"

"Oi think I'm flyin' oopsoide down."

"Don't be ridiculous. How can you tell?"

"Well, for a start, the sh!t's roonnin' out me collar..."

Cold Toast

2008 January 11 21:27:29

A man suspected his wife of straying, so he hired Chinese detective Chen Lee to report any activity while he was away...

Days later he recieved this report....

Most honourable Sir. you leave house, I watch. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go in hotel, I climb tree, I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me, I fall off tree, I no see. No fee. Chen Lee

clubby

2008 January 18 16:46:38

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened new store. As yet, the store isn't ready although the shelving is all in place.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "We're selling azzholes here mate."

Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

VaDiM

2008 January 11 19:33:20

not a great start to 08' at all, none have even raised a slight smile as yet, c'mon people there must be at least a few good jokes left out there.

VaD

dturner

2008 January 11 13:58:11

Inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God.".

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented "Okay, so you were the guy who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?".
Arthur said "Yep, that's me.".
God said "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?". Arthur was initially embarrassed, but finally he said "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?". God replied "Yes."
"Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1). There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
2). It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3). Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4). The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5). And the maintenance costs are enormous!".

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there", replied God, "hold on.".

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur.

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

clubby

2008 January 11 16:59:08

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
>
>
>
> 1 I do physical labor.
>
> 2 I work at great depths.
>
> 3 I plunge head first into everything I do.
>
> 4 I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
>
> 5 I work in a damp environment.
>
> 6 I don't get paid overtime.
>
> 7 I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>
> 8 I work in high temperatures.
>
> 9 My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
>
>
>
>
> Dear Penis,
>
>
>
> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
> raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
>
>
>
> 1 You do not work 8 hours straight.
>
> 2 You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
>
> 3 You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>
> 4 You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
>
> 5 You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
> order to start working.
>
> 6 You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
>
> 7 You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
> the correct protective clothing.
>
> 8 You'll retire well before reaching 65.
>
> 9 You're unable to work double shifts.
>
> 10 You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
> the day's work.
>
>
>
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
> leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
>
>
>
> Sincerely, The Management
>

Pinkline Jones

2008 January 11 12:43:03

LOL

Point of confusion though regarding the last joke. To be pedantic, great mares don't put their feet in the air.

Regards from the young man with the milkcrate in the twenty second row.

PINKLINE

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